Another hard day yesterday, the post op check was not good news and the fact that Jennifer may have to have more surgery or a permenant trachea left me in tears all the way home, almost 3 hours. My eyes were so swollen that they burned when I tried to read something. It made me feel so helpless and frustrated it seems enough to have gotten this far, can't we get a break. When the doctor spoke the words of more surgery, and a possible trachea again I could feel my eyes burn as I fought the tears back. Jennifer doesn't really see the bigger picture or think through all the issues. I think its a brain injury thing, which probably is a blessing. She is just resigned to the fact that it is what it is and she will have to deal with it. I find it amazing that she tried to comfort me on our drive home, assuring me she wasn't going to die. Then thanking me for caring about her. That almost made it harder, to think about how brave she is, what she has had to endure and how she just can't seem to move forward. Anyway, it made me think about those everyday things that we do that we all take for granted. The simpliest of things that don't require any real thought like breathing, rolling over, going to the bathroom, grabbing something to eat, scratching an itch, or brushing our hair. All things we do all day long, without being too appreciative of them. Yet, once you can't do them, once those simple things become monumental feats you realize just how complex they really are. How lucky we are to be able to do them. Its like the saying, you don't realize how good it feels to feel good until you are sick. I find a sad irony in the fact that the thing that once kept her alive is now threating her life!
Although yesterday my spirit was crushed and bruised , I am always thankful for the dawn of a new day. When my energy is renewed and my body is willing to fight again for her quality of life. I don't mean to sound special, or like I am handling something harder than many of you are dealing with, because I am not. I find that so often most people are dealing with a lot of sadness that they never share. So I pray that I will try and be extra nice to people I meet today just incase they are struggling to get through the day and fighting back the tears too!